“My fifth step”

Over 5 years ago my friend shared this beautiful piece with me. She found it in a book called Angel Wing Splash Pattern written by Richard Van Camp.
I can’t seem to find it anywhere online but it is so worth buying and reading. Here is a little clip of it I found online to share with you all. It is so heart felt and lovely to read. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do after all these years. It is written for an ex lover who he hurt in the past but chose not to contact due to her having moved on. Instead, he chose to publish the letter in hopes that maybe one day she will see it without her new companion having contact with it.

My Fifth Step:

“A buddy of mine told me about his firth step in the AA program and how he so wanted to contact one of his ex’s but couldn’t. His reason, he told me, was that there is a sub-clause in this step. It says that, if by contacting someone you’ve hurt in your past you will put them in harm’s way (usually by their present partner), you are not allowed to contact them.”

This is my 5th step, I miss you and I’m sorry.
Do you think about me sometimes? I sure think about you. I think the hard feelings between us would go away if we just went for coffee sometime, just to check up on each other and see that the wounds weren’t so deep anymore, but I don’t think that will happen.
You’ll always be with me you know. No matter what. What we had was good and I’m sorry for any bad between us. Really I am.
I think about you mostly when I’m around fire or when I hear a sad song. I start to feel hollow and I have to turn away. I look away and remember the nights we shared, the laughter – there was laughter. Remember? Before the battles, before the pissing contests between us about who was hurt more, who had done more, who had lied and betrayed more.
I’d love to see you again in the best way, your way. No power, no overwhelmance, no control, just a soft hug and a smile. I’d love to hear how you’re doing and where you’ve gone. I’d love to watch you talk about your friends, your job, your boss, what you do alone, where you go to gather strength. Do you still love to swim? Do you have children? Is he good to you?


I was surprised when you used how I communicate against me. […] You wanted me to cry with you and I don’t know any man who would or even could. You said I was capable of two emotions: anger and happiness, but that wasn’t true either. I felt every emotion possible. Couldn’t you read it in my eyes or hear it in my voice? My silence was never anger. It was meditation on everything you said, and sometimes I needed more time to answer than you would give me.


You took the two most sacred words I know with you: HOME and FAMILY. That’s why I got so crazy and that’s why I never came back. The man inside me felt betrayed. The little boy inside me felt abandoned. The elder inside me was heartbroken with all the dreams I had for us. My spirit split when you left and it took oh about four years to get back to me. I feel down. Sure I did. I’m not going to talk about it but some of the rumors about me are true…


I figured that if I sent this letter here and got it published it would somehow find its way to you and you’d know that it was me and you’d know I was sorry.


Most of all, though, I miss how when we slept together you wrapped your arms around me and never let go. I never thanked you enough for all you did for me and I want to thank you for trusting me when we first met. You never held back and I did, and I never wanted to become the biggest disappointment of your life.


Take care of yourself and thank you again for all your love. You made me feel so special. I’m a better man because of you and I know what’s possible. Be gentle with yourself, my friend… now and forever… I miss your love and friendship…

Walk in beauty…


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